Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
