Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
