I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
