Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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