I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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