I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
