You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
