So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
So. Much. Porn.
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