I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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