WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
