Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
