My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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