you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He better not be in your backpack
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
