I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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