I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
40s are totally the cure
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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