If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
