I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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