my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
