i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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