I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
