I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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