woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
