TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
