Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
