She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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