I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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