The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
