Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
