now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
