I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I think my nap took me to another dimension
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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