worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
you had me at cake vodka
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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