do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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