Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
