sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
