his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
