just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
