I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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