just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I booty called her while she was in labor.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
