today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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