Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
