I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
