can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
