Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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