My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
