hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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