The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Too much gin, very little bucket
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
