I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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