that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
