Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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