I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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